"You let it all... you let it all just slip away."

The sunlight is beautiful and it's FINALLY HERE. I went for a swim this morning with a couple friends and then a hike out at Kal Park with a couple more friends. finally, we came back, had an awesome meal of yogurt, strawberries, bananas and brownies. Then we watched Clerks II and went to the band house, then I got home and now here I am. Awesome day. Just awesome.

Except for this. Stop letting bullshit excuses get in the way of your happiness, and stop playing the victim. Help is always available. I'm here for anyone who needs me. Professional help is available. Stop making me into a villain for not solving your problems. I have my own shit to deal with (which I am working on.).

Goodnight, friends. Sleep well.

"Oh, Elise..."

So The Cure is the best band to come out of the 80s. Just so you know. I have never really fully compounded my love for The Cure to folks (mostly because NOBODY KNOWS WHO THE FUCK I'M TALKING ABOUT WHEN I TRY and that is UNACCEPTABLE), but hey, now you know. The Cure is an awesome band that everyone should listen to. Check out "Cut Here" or "Letter to Elise" or "Love Song" or "Friday I'm In Love." The only thing I'm not a fangirl-ishly large fan of is that weird-ass cat noise Robert Smith makes sometimes. I mean... I just don't get it. What purpose does it serve that a moan or a yell or a shriek or a "yeah" couldn't? It's a real stumper. FURTHERMORE, what producer heard Robert Smith make that sound in the studio and went, "That shit is awesome (or tubular or whatever the fuck they said in the 90s), do it more." Didn't his bandmates say anything? Or did they like the weird feline-in-mid-orgasm sound? I don't get it. I need this explained to me. Not to say I'm not a beastly Cure fan, I just... am confused by this sound that is on all of their albums. It's purpose, intent and even conception baffle me and I want to understand desperately. Oh well. Maybe I'll just try it in the band room one day and see what everyone thinks.

AAAAAAAANYWAYS, I've decided that we need to start getting gigs soon, so look out for that. It's on its way. It's like we're pregnant with rock and it's only a matter of time before it bursts out of our creative womb into the light of day. Or it's not like that at all. EITHER WAY, music shall be played soon.

I really despise having animals sleep at the foot of my bed. They get the blankets all tangled and shitty and I can't pull them up without disturbing the animal and then I feel like a douche and they move and they make noise and it sucks. That's about all I have to say on that one, I just felt I had to say it.

So I had something to say about this whole clusterfuck with Gaddaffi in Lybia, but it essentially boils down to this: tons of people are bitching about how we should have gone in earlier and done something sooner and "fuck the UN, they're just being lazy and dragging their feet" and "OIL IT'S ALL ABOUT OIL BLAH BLAH EEEEEVIL!" These people are irritating for multiple reasons.

1) If we'd just kicked the fucking door in right off the bat, all of these people - the VERY SAME people who are complaining about us not going in soon enough - would be bitching about us interfering in other countries' affairs and how we're not the world police and all the shit they always spout. This is dumb and I am tired of hearing it. I don't know what the fuck you people want, but you need to figure it out. Yeah, Gaddaffi needed a nice, hard kick in the nuts, but there's a little thing called international law that restricts us from just going "FUCK YOUR SHIT EVIL DICTATOR" and carpet bombing the fuck of of him. That's why it was BAD for the US to go into Iraq - they went through the protocol, talked to everyone, got disagreed with and then cut through all the red tape and just did it anyways. In this case, everyone learned from their fuck-ups and coloured inside the lines and waited their turn and then everything was hunky-dory, and we went in. And it's still not enough for you clowns. Whatever, I don't get you people, you're all just being dickheads who don't know what they really want from their government/don't know what the fuck they're talking about.

2) I think I actually did all the reasons I can think of at 2:13 AM right there in point #1. I wanted to go after the red tape some more and how the UN "dragging its feet" is actually called "following laws that were put in place to avoid conflicts that could grow to a global scale" but I lost my train of thought. Oh well.

Celebratory "First Day of Spring (Was Two Days Ago But Whatever)" swim tomorrow. It's gonna be COLD. Gotta get my rest.

Sleep well, friends. Don't be one of the dickheads I talked about just up there.

I'm so tired of being so tired, but tonight, with you, I am totally wired

Check that shit out. An honest to god gig. Fuck me. I feel pretty good about it.

Red Crown and Downpour are 100% complete, and they sound fucking AWESOME. No doubt you'll get to hear them soon. There are plans in the works. We are also working on a pair of brand spanking new songs (one's called Vitriol [very guitar heavy] and one's untitled, but we're calling it Summer for now [Katie throws her violin into the ring on this one]). One's really heavy, and one's not at all. I'm excited.

ON THE OTHER HAND, sorry I've been neglecting you, Blog. You know I love you, baby, I've just been busy. Don't look at me like that. I've been reading Bad Sandwich Chronicles, which is a blog written by one of my favourite musicians ever, Brendan Kelly (from The Lawrence Arms, for those asshats who don't know - check this song out. It's currently my favourite song by them and it is coincidentally really fucking awesome.), which inspired me to get back on the updating horse. Let's see how long I last before I fall on my ass again, yeah? I'm taking bets.

SO. What's new in the world of me? Learning a lot about myself, that's for sure. Trying to be okay with me. Not so easy, but, hey, I'm working on it, so fuck anyone who calls me on it. Tons of people seem to think that this whole depression thing is just an act or a story I tell that's done with now, but I've been dealing with it for YEARS - since I was a little kid, really, so... yeah. I don't really know where I was going with that one. It's fucking late. LOTS of band shit, as you can see - bunch of covers and a few originals (we're trying to focus on originals). Probably going down to Virginia this summer, barring any unforeseen surprises.

So, religious people. Not regular ones, like the people that go to church and pray and shit, but all you zealous assholes who think you're better than us regular folk. I have decided that these people are intolerable and I am sick of dealing with their shit - from here on out, every zealot I have to deal with is going to get a swift kick to the nuts/ovaries (which, of course, means that I'm going to tell them to fuck off. I'm not really violent).

But wait, you say! "Zealot" doesn't exclusively apply to religious folks, just people who are blindly dedicated to something! You are incorrect, dear Tyler!

Well, first off, I would like to say hold your fucking horses, there, I'm not done yet. Also, well done, astute reader - you would be correct in saying that the word 'zealot' doesn't just apply to bible-thumpers. I just dislike zealots in general. I think it's poor form (and a powerful kind of stupid) to reject any opposing opinion, because, if you really believe in something, some other dickhead's opinion isn't going to change that. This is fact.

So, I am gonna go on record and say that ANY zealots, whether they be Christian zealots, Muslim zealots, Covenant zealots (yeah fuck you, I love Halo), or atheist zealots are just fucking annoying as a rule. They refuse to accept anything that disagrees with them, and that is just a shitty way to live. How will you ever learn if people never challenge you?

Anyways, I was just furious about that. Does that make me an anti-zealot zealot? Fuck if I know. Weird.

Sleep now. Tired as shit. I want to have breakfast. That's right, I look forward to breakfast. Don't you judge me.

Sleep well, friends - I shall try to post again tomorrow.

P.S.: If you read this (and you know too fucking well who you are [because you decided to ignore me instead of talking like, you know, a fucking normal person]), I am upset with you. I think you are being a douche. I don't even get why you're being all grumpy, and if you're gonna fuck off and tell me to "quit while I'm ahead, thanks" with the kind of subtle superiority I sense from you right now, you can go sit on a dick. Sorry if my shitty day made me act differently than usual. Next time I'll try not to let my emotions get the better of me. Oh, fuck, wait... I already apologised for letting my depression control my attitude today, didn't I? Guess you're just taking things a little too personally. Well, now they ARE personal. Good for you, asshat. Enjoy your day. I hope it's as shitty as mine was yesterday so maybe you'll get some perspective instead of making uninformed assumptions. Kindly use your brain or fuck yourself. Thanks.

A Sight Unseen

A SIGHT UNSEEN

By

Tyler Carlson

CHARACTERS (IN PLAY)

GAVIN: A quiet musician who has just finished a successful show, afflicted by a form of schizophrenia (hears voices, hallucinates). He is the bassist and vocalist.

THE HALLUCINATION: A manifestation of GAVIN’s mind, is not seen or reacted to by any other characters, extremely negative and rude towards GAVIN.

SAMANTHA: A friend of a friend of GABRIEL’s, an acquaintance of GAVIN’s, someone GAVIN has always had a thing for.

GABRIEL: GAVIN’s best friend and band mate. He is very likeable, the guy who knows everybody, enjoys a good time. He is the drummer (possibly… drum sticks in back pocket?)

CHARACTERS (REFERENCED ONLY)

TIM: He is the guitarist.

JUSTIN: He is the pianist/synth player.

MELANIE: GABRIEL’s girlfriend, plays bass in a punk band

SETTING: The band lounge backstage. There is a sofa and a chair in the spotlight. There are a few cans of pop at the foot of the sofa. A bass guitar is propped up against the LEFT side of the sofa.

TIME: The present, just after GAVIN and GABRIEL’s gig.

***

I - The ‘Tormented Artist’ Card

Open: GAVIN is sitting on the sofa, drinking something. He looks extremely uncomfortable and worried. He puts his head in his hands and runs his hands through his hair, sighing.

GABRIEL (off-stage): Yeah, I’ll be right back, hang on a sec.

GABRIEL enters stage RIGHT and GABRIEL grabs a drink from the foot of the sofa. GABRIEL drops into the chair, relaxed.

GABRIEL: (takes a sip) Man, we did good, tonight - we did really good. You, my friend, have earned a drink - a proper drink. Everybody’s out in the bar, man – come on, join us.

GAVIN: (pause) I… I will in a bit, man.

GABRIEL: C’mon, man… Sam’s out there. She wants to see you, tell you how good a job we did – you did. I know you’ve got a thing for her, man – just ask and I’ll put in a good word for you, see if I can hook you up. If I can’t, I’ll see if Melanie can - they’ve been friends since, like, elementary school, and, considering the fact that I’ve dating her for two years, I think I can convince Mel to at least talk to Sam for you.

GAVIN: I don’t know, man…

GABRIEL: Well, you know what? I do. Listen, she asked about you, specifically. She wanted to know where you were, if you’d bailed or something. She likes you, at least enough for you to have a shot, man – so, just take the chance, I know you can do it. (stands) C’mon, let’s go.

GAVIN: No, I mean… I’m just feeling a bit shaky right now. Like… like, real shaky. I just need a few minutes back here to chill, where it’s quiet, that’s all. I’ll be out in a bit.

GABRIEL: Ah, I see.

Both of them look away. GAVIN looks back first.

II - Reassurances

GAVIN: Hey, so, uh… we kicked ass out there tonight, eh?

GABRIEL: You better believe we did, man - I’d be willing to say that that was the best show we’ve ever played. We had a wicked set list, too - good call on the Motion City Soundtrack cover, by the way, everyone loved it.

GAVIN: (laughs shakily) Yeah, well, I hope they liked the original songs just as much.

GABRIEL: They did, man, believe me. I passed a bunch of people on my way in here - they were sitting there, just analyzing our lyrics. Can you believe that? It’s crazy, man! I feel… important! (laughs) I even talked to the manager - he says that, if we do that well again, we’ve got another gig in two weeks.

GAVIN: Are you serious? That’s awesome!

GABRIEL: (laughs) Yeah, man, you bet it is. In fact -

MELANIE (off-stage): Hey, Gabe, where’d you go?

GABRIEL: Ha-ha… well, I guess I’ve gotta go for a bit, I kind of left Mel out on the dance floor all alone… duty calls. Can’t disappoint the girlfriend, right? I guess I’m whipped, but, hey, what’s so wrong with that? (pauses) You gonna be okay for a bit, man? Because I’ll stay, if you need me to… like, no worries, none at all, Mel will understand.

GAVIN: Yeah, I’ll be fine, Gabe. You go have fun, I’ll be out in just a few minutes. Don’t worry about it.

GABRIEL: Alright… just call my cell if you need me, okay?

GAVIN: You got it.

GABRIEL: See ya in a few.

GAVIN: Yeah, see ya, man.

GABRIEL exits stage RIGHT, bringing his drink with him. As he exits stage RIGHT, THE HALLUCINATION enters stage LEFT and approaches the couch from behind. THE HALLUCINATION kneels behind the couch, next to GAVIN.

III - it begins

THE HALLUCINATION: He doesn’t really like you, you know. The band will replace you soon enough.

GAVIN stiffens and leans away from THE HALLUCINATION. THE HALLUCINATION leans towards GAVIN, almost touching him.

THE HALLUCINATION: What? Were you hoping that I wouldn’t stop by? Of course I was going to come say hello, Gavin. I’ll always be here when you get a false sense of importance… well, any sense of importance, really. See, I know you, inside and out, and you and I both know that you are worth exactly nothing and I seem to be the only person who recognizes that... apart from yourself, of course.

GAVIN: Leave. Just… just leave. Not now, not here… I did well, tonight. I did.

THE HALLUCINATION: (laughs) Yeah, okay, you keep telling yourself that.

GAVIN reaches for his cell phone and starts looking for GABRIEL’s phone number. THE HALLUCINATION shakes his head and laughs.

THE HALLUCINATION: What did I just say? He doesn’t like you. You need to learn to pay attention, kid… it’s just another thing that you suck at.

GAVIN (unsure): You’re… you’re not even real. I don’t have to listen to you.

THE HALLUCINATION: Wow, Gavin, you’re as delusional as you are stupid. I’m just as real as you make me, and you’re gonna listen to me because you know that I’m right. You’re just a waste, and you know it… and no one cares, no one at all.

IV - entirely unreal

SAMANTHA (off-stage): Gavin? Are you back here?

THE HALLUCINATION (gleeful): Ooh, this should be fun.

GAVIN puts his head in his hands. THE HALLUCINATION stands up and walks towards stage RIGHT. As this happens, SAMANTHA enters from stage RIGHT and walks towards GAVIN, followed by THE HALLUCINATION.

SAMANTHA: Hey, there you are. What are you doing back here by yourself?

THE HALLUCINATION leans over SAMANTHA’s shoulder.

THE HALLUCINATION: Ooh, look at her, Gavin - she’s just the kind of girl you can never get. How perfect!

GAVIN: Hey, Sam. I just… needed some quiet time to myself.

GAVIN looks pointedly at THE HALLUCINATION. SAMANTHA looks back at where THE HALLUCINATION is standing, but, unable to see him, looks back to GAVIN. THE HALLUCINATION starts walking around, stopping between GAVIN and SAMANTHA, behind SAMANTHA, sitting next to GAVIN and getting right in his face.

SAMANTHA: Oh, I see. Do you want me to leave and come back later, or…?

THE HALLUCINATION gets right in her face and starts examining her.

GAVIN: No! No, no, I’d love for you to stay. Would you like to, uh, take a seat?

SAMANTHA: Yeah, sure, thanks.

SAMANTHA sits down in the chair and smiles at GAVIN.

THE HALLUCINATION (while SAMANTHA is sitting): Kid, you are pathetic. Can’t you even offer the girl a seat without tripping over your own tongue? You really are absolutely useless. No wonder Gabe’s out there meeting girls and making friends while you’re in here all on your own. Good Lord, what a joke…

SAMANTHA: Well, uh… I just wanted to say that you guys did really good, tonight. Chalk up another victory for A Sight Unseen, right?

GAVIN (distracted): For, uh… for who, sorry?

THE HALLUCINATION: HA! See? You’re such a failure you can’t even remember your own band name.

SAMANTHA: Uh… you, Gabe, Tim, Justin… the band?

GAVIN: Oh, right… right. Yeah. Thank you - thank you. Um… I appreciate it. What, uh… what was your favourite song from the set?

THE HALLUCINATION: Like she could even understand you - your singing voice is terrible, kid. It’s sad but true.

GAVIN covers ears and looks down and SAMANTHA .looks at GAVIN, concerned.

V - singsong

SAMANTHA: Uh… my favourite song was probably… agh, I didn’t catch the name. It was one of your original songs. The chorus was like, ‘Sickness lives inside my skull/floor to ceiling, wall to wall/just another defect. A thousand television sets/playing static in my head/I’m so imperfect?’

Gavin looks up at her and smiles slightly.

GAVIN: Ah, yeah… ‘So Imperfect.’ It’s called ‘So Imperfect.’ I’m glad you liked it - it’s one of my more personal songs.

THE HALLUCINATION: Yeah, because it’s all about ME. She doesn’t like the song because you wrote it, she likes it because it talks about how screwed up you are - it just makes her hate you even more, you freak. You know what? Stand up and leave, you don’t even deserve to talk to her. (GAVIN slides along the sofa, away from THE HALLUCINATION) Do it! Now!

SAMANTHA: Gavin, are you okay? Gabe told me something was up, but I thought maybe you were just, you know, playing the ‘tormented artist’ card to try to impress the girls.

THE HALLUCINATION (right in GAVIN’s face): LEAVE, GAVIN!

Gavin stands up suddenly and takes a step towards the door, then pauses. He looks at THE HALLUCINATION, who is approaching him, then looks at SAMANTHA.

GAVIN: He won’t be quiet, Sam, he won’t be QUIET. I don’t know what to do!

SAMANTHA: Gavin… nobody’s here but you and I. Uh… (looks stage RIGHT) Gabe? I need you! I don’t know what to do! Someone get Gabe!

THE HALLUCINATION: I said leave, Gavin. (pushes GAVIN past the chair that SAMANTHA is sitting in, towards stage RIGHT, SAMANTHA stands up and goes towards GAVIN) Do as you’re told, you pushover. (pushes GAVIN towards stage RIGHT) You’re not worth her time, you waste of flesh, let alone her concern - just walk away and end this, kid. You know I’m right, just give in to me.

SAMANTHA: Gavin, it’s okay, just come sit down, come talk to me - Gabe’ll be here soon, so just calm down… just breathe deeply and try to stay calm.

GAVIN nods and does as she says.

VI - the resistance

THE HALLUCINATION: What? NO! Don’t listen to her, she’s just a WHORE - listen to ME! You wouldn’t even be able to write your terrible music without me, Gavin, so listen to ME! Panic! Freak out, because you know what? I’m coming to get you, you hear me?

THE HALLUCINATION pushes GAVIN towards stage RIGHT once more, and Gabe enters stage RIGHT and catches him.

GABRIEL: What’s going on? What happened?

SAMANTHA: I don’t know, he just panicked - what do we do?

GABRIEL: We need to keep his mind focused on us, okay - Gavin, can you hear me?

THE HALLUCINATION: No, no, no, no, no, no, NO! (points at GAVIN) You can’t! I’m the only one around that even acknowledges your existence, you failure - he hates you anyways, he just wants to use this against you later to get you kicked out of the band!

VII - Rescued

GABRIEL: Come on, Gavin, focus on me, okay, focus on my voice? Sing along with me, okay? We’ll sing your song, okay, Gavin? ‘Sickness lives inside my skull/floor to ceiling, wall to wall/just another defect.’ Come on, Gavin, come on…

GAVIN and GABRIEL (in unison): ‘A thousand television sets/playing static in my head/I’m so imperfect.’

THE HALLUCINATION: FINE! Fine, Gavin, fine, ignore me, but I’ll be back, you hear me? I’ll be back to remind you how worthless you really are! I will never ever disappear and I will always be back to get you!

GAVIN: (Looks at THE HALLUCINATION) Go away.

THE HALLUCINATION: Fine, I don’t even want to talk to you anyways!

THE HALLUCINATION exits stage LEFT, angry. GAVIN and SAMANTHA sit on the sofa and GABRIEL sits on the chair. SAMANTHA puts her arm around GAVIN’s shoulders.

VIII - Free for the Moment

GABRIEL: You okay, man, are you back with us?

GAVIN: (rubs his eyes) Yeah… yeah, man. Thanks. Thank you both. That was… difficult. Still really shaky, though… I should probably stay here a while longer.

GABRIEL: No worries, man - why didn’t you call? I would have been here in a flash.

GAVIN: I tried, but he said… never mind. It doesn’t matter now, I’m… I’m okay, now. Sorry about that, Sam… I wouldn’t blame you if you got the hell out of here as fast as you can.

SAMANTHA: No, no, it’s totally fine, Gavin, it’s not your fault, I just… I didn’t know what to do.

GAVIN: No, no, you did a good job, you helped… you distracted me from him - it - which definitely is a good thing.

GABRIEL stands up from the chair and flips open his cell phone.

GABRIEL: Alright, you guys stay here and talk for a couple minutes - I’m going to explain to Mel that I need to be here for a while, maybe get Tim and Justin in here, too. Does that work, or…?

GAVIN: Yeah, yeah, go for it. Mel can feel free to join us, too, if she likes, she pretty much knows what’s going on with me, so… yeah, get the guys for sure, though.

GABRIEL: Alright, I’ll be right back… don’t do anything I wouldn’t do, you two kids. (winks and exits stage RIGHT)

GAVIN: So… how would you like to give that conversation another try?

SAMANTHA: (smiles) I’d like that a lot, Gavin.

THE HALLUCINATION is sitting on the chair, watching GAVIN and SAMANTHA.

END OF PLAY

Nobody blames me, baby, if I cry

I've started writing a story that I intend to be mostly inspired by Tegan and Sara's music and, more specifically, their album The Con (which is a perfect album, by the way. Utterly PERFECT. Top ten albums of all time, hands down.) I've only finished the prologue so far, but I'm working my ass off on it and I really like how it's going.

Musically, I've written lyrics to "Masks" and we jammed the music a few times and it sounds amazing. I wrote a simple-but-cool rhythm riff, Justin wrote a sweet lead riff over top of it and that's really all of the concrete work we've done on it, but I'm stoked to see what Taylor and Katie end up finalizing for it. Also, I think Katie should sing it.

Red Crown is pretty much done - we just need to practice more and finish the harmonies and it's totally done.

Anyways, I'm ill and am going to leave you with this short post, but I'll throw the prologue on the end to give you something to read. :) Sleep well, everyone.

I -YOU WOULDN’T LIKE ME

Gabriel Crown did not need to be outside. In fact, Gabriel Crown didn’t even want to be outside – he desperately needed a smoke, though, and he knew he couldn’t smoke in Nathan Clarke’s house, so that was that.

It was late November, and it had just dumped down snow, which is why Gabe didn’t want to be outside; he didn’t hate the snow itself, he just hated the cold. He lit a match on the nearest parking meter and shielded it from the wind with a gloved hand; carefully, as though it meant everything in the world, he brought the match up to the cigarette waiting in his mouth and lit it, relishing that first rush of nicotine in his lungs. He breathed deeply, savouring the noxious fumes, then let the smoke out, utterly satisfied and calmer already.

He could have had a drink to calm him down – after all, there was no shortage of alcohol back in the townhouse – but in his current state of mind, a beer would lead to a drink would lead to a shot would lead to the floor, and he wasn’t in the mood to have a hangover tomorrow – his incredibly severe hangovers were actually the reason he drank as little as he did. Plus, he had to work the next morning, so it all worked out for the best anyways.

He took another long drag of his smoke and rearranged his tuque, looking at the empty street as he did so. Everyone was at home, inside, bundled up or in bed, and so the whole street looked totally abandoned, which was precisely the way Gabe wanted it, tonight. No one in this town drove in this kind of weather, ever – no one was ever prepared for winter, so almost no one had adequate winter tires. Gabe was not one of these people; he always had his winter tires well in advance, ready to be put onto his car at a moment’s notice. That was just the kind of guy that Gabe was.

He heard footsteps crunching in the snow behind him, but he didn’t turn to meet them; he just took another drag and looked down the street, at the city lights across the bay. He liked the bay – it made him feel separate from the world, but in a good, comfortable way. The footsteps reached his side, so he looked to see who it was – to his surprise, Andrew Cartwright was standing next to him, lighting up a cigarette of his own.

“Hey, man. I didn’t know you smoked...?” Gabe said quietly, and his voice echoed through the street, being dragged away by the wind.

“Yeah... yeah, for a while, now. Not all that often, though,” Andrew replied equally quietly, and they left it at that for a moment or two.

Andrew being here made Gabe uncomfortable – he wasn’t really good friends with Andrew, and they’d never really had a heart-to-heart, per se, which is what Gabe figured he was out here to attempt. It wasn’t that Andrew was a bad guy or anything – from what Gabe had heard, it was rather the contrary – but they’d never really gotten to know each other, for whatever reason. A matter of circumstance, Gabe figured, no need to make anything big out of it. Eventually, after a few short puffs on his cigarette, Andrew spoke.

“So... listen, uh... I heard about you and S -”

“Hang on, man,” Gabe interrupted, the paused to puff on his smoke. “It’s still kind of a fresh wound you’re poking at, there. Um... I kind of... would rather not talk about it. Kind of in the mood to avoid the unavoidable, right now, you know?”

“Yeah, no, no, I totally get that. Totally.” The two of them stood in uncomfortable silence for a few moments, smoking and thinking, before Andrew turned back to Gabe. “I just wanted to ask, uh... you guys are for sure finished, right? Because I wouldn’t want to shove myself into your business or anything like that, but it’s been a month or so and I was thinking -”

“Do whatever you want, man. You don’t have to ask my fucking permission and it’s not my business anymore. Just don’t bring it up to me again, alright?” Gabe turned back to the street, irritated – what did this asshole think he was playing at, coming out here? She wasn’t part of Gabe’s world anymore, it wasn’t his choice who she dated. Did Andrew really think he was being a good guy by asking if it was okay?

“Alright, man, alright, just figured I’d ask. No need to be a dick about it, I was just trying to be polite.”

Gabe took a big, long drag on his cigarette, then flicked the butt on the ground, letting the smoke out as he did so.

“Kindly fuck off,” Gabe replied, pulling another cigarette from his coat pocket.

And that was that.

It's been a long day living with this...

Man, it certainly has been quite a while, hasn't it? To start things off: March will be awesome for my musical tastes. Sum41, Rise Against, Taking Back Sunday... it will be beautiful. Next up is Cage the Elephant's sophomore album, "Thank You, Happy Birthday" - it is AMAZING. Equally good as, if not better than, their self titled debut. I LOVE it. The new Sum41 song is amazing, too - Screaming Bloody Murder looks like it's gonna be a return to form - somewhere between "Does This Look Infected" and "Chuck," which is only good news for long-time fans of the band.

We (Taylor, Katie, Justin and I) have chosen a name - we are Up In the Gallery. We have a full original song done, and we're working on a slew of covers and a couple more originals; Red Crown is the one we have finished, and we're working on Rainfall, Burning Bridges and a few more I've just recently written lyrics to. After talking to Taylor, it's looking like we're gonna add "Shake me Down" by Cage the Elephant to our cover list, which now compromises "Helter Skelter" by the Beatles, "Doublespeak" by Thrice, and... I think that's it, actually. Hm. Either way, I am so incredibly stoked on it - the other three members of the band are extraordinarily musically talented, and I am super pumped to be making music with them. They are just... superb. There are not enough positive adjectives to describe these people.

I have recently learned that attraction is a confusing thing and pining for people is not confined to hallways and classrooms. Which kind of sucks, but hey, that's where I'm at. Not much to do about it, other than write music about it. Everyone loves a good unrequited feelings song.

I have made a shitton of new friends, but I am almost always alone in this house nowadays, which I fucking hate. I wish I owned a car, so I could go out and hang out with people and stuff. I have to rely on other people, now that Nick has moved out, and that fucking blows. I can't really describe how it feels - it is a weird fort of loneliness, because it's not complete loneliness, which almost makes it worse. It's more like isolation, I suppose. I don't really know what to do about it - we shall see where things go from here, I guess, because I don't have ANY idea as to what's going to happen.

19th birthday soon. That's pretty cool - I shall be a legal adult in the province of British Columbia. Weird to think about, honestly - I can do ANYTHING and go ANYWHERE and all that shit. Apparently I am being taken out for drinks on my birthday, which is pretty cool - I'm stoked for that. It will be a new experience, for sure. Though... February 3rd is a Thursday, so I might try to get the Saturday after it - the fifth? - off and do something then, because Thursday is kind of not as easy for people. Plus, mid-week and all that. Bah, again, we'll see.

Have you ever noticed that you are always better at giving advice than doing things yourself? I dunno, just something I've noticed. I have always considered myself relatively good at giving advice, and terrible at acting in situations where I need advice. I dunno. Just tired ramblings.

I am going to work on singing very loud and very honest from here on out - after listening to the new Sum41 and new Cage the Elephant, I have convinced myself that that's what's missing from my vocal performance. Just honest, raw emotion. I've always felt that that makes the best singers - truth.

Moving blows. Always has and always will. Still, new place has a hot tub - I just have to clean it out. Pretty stoked for that. Just worried that it's going to be a "we are family first and roommates second" relationship and not a "we are roommates first and family second" relationship - I NEED it to be the second one, or it's just not gonna work out.

Fear and doubt and worry and uncertainty and all that shit are a cancer, and, if that's true, then, right now, I am cancerous as fuck. Oh well - tomorrow, after work, I'm gonna go set up all the band equipment so we can jam. I'll see if anyone's free and if they want to help. If so, YEAH! If not, oh well. I'll get it done so we can play.

it has been a long time since I felt this way. A long fucking time. Like, "three years" a long time. It's refreshing and new and all that, but fuck me did I ever forget how much it kills. Like... seriously. I was always the kid that felt like this, so I was used to it, but then it went away for a long while. Now it's back and I didn't see it coming. I have been blindsided by myself. It's a weird feeling.

Anyways, fuck me am I ever tired, so I'm gonna hit the sack and then get up and go to the BEST JOB EEEEEEVVVVVVVEEEEEERRRRR. That was serious, too - I love my job. It is way too much fun. I just don't like working 8 hours, it feels far too long. I guess I'd better make this music shit work out, then, eh?

Next post (hopefully) - an acoustic version of Burning Bridges. That's right. AN ORIGINAL SONG. I hope that we figure out a full band version of it soon, but I'm not sure. Currently, we're working on covers and Rainfall in an attempt to bulk up our musical portfolio. It's typically good to be able to play songs, plural.

Anyways, I'm off - I leave you with this final thought. "Does he look like a bitch?" "NO!" "Then why are you trying to fuck him like one? Hm?" Awesome movie. Go Pulp Fiction.

Sleep well, everyone, and welcome back.

Girl, you know I hardly speak, and when I do it's just for you.

So I've made a discovery. Conditioner is addictive. Like, hair conditioner, yes. I didn't have it for two days and I thought I was going to go totally fucking crazy; my hair was like straw. I feel like a moron for being suckered into buying more when I'm on a budget, but, hey, whatever - feed the need, I suppose.

I went to Value Village's 50% off day, and I got a pair of super nice coats for really cheap - now I just need to buy myself a new watch and I'm set.

Bought the new watch. It's slightly too big, just need to have some links taken out of it and I'm good to go. I've been working on a bunch more lyrics, but I am tired - it's been a stressful fucking day. For now, make due with this song - it's tentatively titled "Turtle Mountain." Katie, Taylor, Justin and I all wrote the lyrics together. Enjoy, and sleep well.

Turtle Mountain

We stood at the base

As the sun went down

So far away from

The city sounds

The fog crept from the lake

And the twisted roads wound higher

Passing houses as empty as the streets